Wednesday, June 10, 2015

About a light : a note written for our beloved Mam Hanny

 



I said she was a light, indeed she was. Like a candle, she was the light symbolizing hope for everyone around her. Like a candle, she was warm; she had shone brightly and dimly in beautiful harmony. Like a candle, and candles aren’t stars, even stars have their own time for an ending, they say sky is the graveyard of stars, don’t they?

Her candle had a shorter time than those stars, and none knew that her candle was running out of time. I thought that voice of laughter that used to be hers would last forever, I thought more and more people would hear her calling them “babies” every year, I thought people like her would be forever in their youth; they belong in the present time, in happiness and joy. I thought, we would never lose her, and it’s hard to believe that now, she belongs to memory.

I never talked to her personally like some of my friends did during my college days, everyone know that somehow I have this weakness of not being able to show courtesy or conventionality if it’s not formally needed. We had only talked in classroom, during the course of course, and sometimes we smiled at each other when we met in lecturers’ room or UNJ Transjakarta shelter. Even now, I don’t think I have the right to say that I knew her that close. I don’t even think this note could be written in a quite decent way to bid my farewell and deliver my gratitude for her.

Yes, my gratitude.

I don’t think I ever said thank you properly to her, to a woman who happened to be my lecturer and had done so many indescribable things for me; the baby who never learns to grow up, a baby who got so many chances to say thank you properly but however failed them.

I never said thank you to her properly, and it’s killing me.

We were never that close.

We never talked personally.

We had short and limited time to know each other.

But one thing I am sure about her is that Mam Hanny was not just a lecturer, she was a person that had my respect just by being herself. She didn’t need to be perfect, she didn’t need to spread out what she had to show her intelligence or create an image that is full of grandeur. I remember her as a complete human, so humane that she only needed to walk into the classroom, she talked and we listened to her, she laughed and we laughed with her, she called us babies and we only needed to grin stupidly and then we laughed together. Everything about her happened naturally, it was so simple, but she had given us so much more, she didn’t only teach us the subjects, she also taught us things that will last forever…

She taught us what it means to be human.

She taught us being educated means having more concerns on important matters without leaving the trivial matters behind.

She taught us simple things like throwing away garbage properly means a lot for the society.

She taught us to make decision thoughtfully, especially about how we’re going to spend our youth, so it becomes something meaningful in the future.

She taught us that they key of youthfulness is being able to preserve your humorous and relaxed self.

And countless things I can barely describe…

She showed us the real meaning of being a teacher; about how a person can give unlimited lessons within limited time, lessons that even time cannot erase.

Mam Hanny, thank you for everything, thank you for being our light, thank you for every little thing that was actually a big thing. Your life was celebrated by so many people, and we owe you a lot.


Novalita,
One of your babies.




Monday, February 23, 2015

Tentang menelanjangi kesedihan, rencana, dan semesta yang dipenuhi hal aneh ini

Sebutlah takdir yang membawa aku ke titik itu. Entah beberapa ratus hari yang lalu aku mendapatimu duduk di sana bersama orang lain, dan aku tampak seperti orang tolol ketika takdir pula yang membuat kita tak sengaja bertatap pendek. Kamu tersenyum, aku tersenyum.

Hanya butuh satu detik bagiku untuk mengetahui satu hal: Aku tak lagi berharga.

Dan kali ini, aku akan mencoba memberitahu sesuatu padamu. Sesuatu yang aku simpan menjadi renungan menjelang tidurku belakangan ini.

Takdir telah membawa aku kesebuah titik lain. Dua minggu yang lalu, aku duduk di sana. Di tempatmu duduk ratusan hari yang lalu. Lucu sekali rasanya.

Aku mencoba menirukan ekspresimu saat tak sengaja melihatku.

Kemudian rasanya aku bisa membayangkan wajahku yang terkejut, menatapmu dengan pahit, tanpa harga.

Aku mengunyah roti coklat ku yang masih hangat.

Aku menyesap kopi hitam ku yang rasa-rasanya terlalu manis.

Dan tiba-tiba aku menyadari satu hal.

                Aku masih menyukaimu, bahkan dengan segenap rasa tidak berharga ku.


Aku rasa, ada hal-hal aneh dan ajaib yang Tuhan ciptakan secara khusus di muka bumi ini. Salah satunya hatiku. Biarlah aku merasa dikhususkan sejenak oleh Tuhan untuk masalah ini. Jangan khawatir, Tuhan tidak pilih kasih, kitabnya dari berbagai bahasa menerjemahkan kata indah itu “Tuhan Maha Adil”, jadi kamu tidak perlu merasa tersingkir di hadapan Tuhan hanya karena aku sok dekat dengan-Nya dan berkata Tuhan menciptakan hatiku secara khusus.

Nah, kembali lagi ke ceritaku.

Setelah minum kopi itu aku tahu bahwa akan terus ada hari-hari dimana kita akan bertatapan secara aneh. Diam-diam aku takut bahwa satu-satunya ekspresi yang bisa kutunjukkan kepadamu hanya satu itu: Aku menatapmu dengan terkejut dan segenap rasa tidak berharga.

Kadang-kadang aku berdoa semoga saja di pertemuan-pertemuan berikutnya aku bisa menunjukkan padamu, bahwa aku masih orang yang asyik diajak ngobrol, sama seperti ketika aku belum jatuh cinta padamu. Semoga aku bisa menatapmu dengan tenang sambil mengajakmu minum kopi sore-sore, atau pagi—pagi, sambil mengatakan sesuatu yang akan membuatmu tergelak-gelak seperti dulu. Pun semoga kamu bisa menatapku dengan nyaman, tanpa rasa canggung… karena kamu tahu pasti; hatiku jatuh, sementara hatimu tidak.

Sungguh aku ingin mempelajari sesuatu, sesuatu tentang bagaimana caranya bersikap wajar di depanmu. Sekalipun aku jatuh cinta dengan sembunyi-sembunyi, aku ingin jatuh cinta dengan bahagia. Aku lelah harus memalingkan muka setiap kali kamu menatapku. Aku lelah menyusun kata-kata yang akan terdengar tepat jika aku ucapkan kepadamu. Aku lelah, dan kadang itu membuat aku sedih, dan diam-diam menangis di malam hari.

Ah, aku seperti menelanjangi kesedihanku sendiri, sudah ya, kita kembali ke topik awal.

Duduk di sana membuat aku merenung cukup lama. Tentang hatiku yang diciptakan secara khusus oleh Tuhan (hingga begitu awetnya namamu di sana, padahal otak ku sungguh telah jengah), tentang roti coklat yang hangat, tentang kopi hitam yang terlalu manis, dan tentang rencanaku untuk belajar menatapmu secara wajar.

Aku kembali ke sebuah titik dimana aku sadar bahwa dunia ini tidak menjadikan aku sebagai porosnya. Di sekitarku ada ribuan manusia yang berlalu lalang dan bukan tidak mungkin ada setidaknya sepuluh dari mereka sedang merasakan yang aku rasakan.

Bukankah semesta ini memang dipenuhi kemungkinan?

Di dunia ini ada manusia-manusia lain yang jatuh cinta dan patah hati di saat yang sama. Aku bukan satu-satunya.

Di dunia ini ada manusia-manusia yang lelah menyimpan rindu. Aku bukan satu-satunya.

Dan di dunia ini ada manusia-manusia yang diam-diam selalu menengok ke masa lalu, mencari kedamaian dan pembenaran di sana. Aku bukan satu-satunya.

Hei, jangan khawatir. Sekalipun aku bertemu denganmu hari itu aku tidak akan membuat keributan dengan sekonyong-konyong memelukmu dan menangis di dadamu yang bidang itu, meskipun sejujurnya aku ingin begitu.

Aku tahu batasku. Aku tahu kita hanya bisa saling menatap sebentar dan di antara kita sudah ada dinding tebal yang terbuat dari kaca. Kita seolah hanya bisa saling menatap dari dua menara kaca yang berbeda, yang letaknya jauh berseberangan. Aku menatapmu dengan terkejut, dan kamu menatapku dengan canggung. Tapi bibir kita tersenyum, entah kenapa.

Jika ternyata hari ini kamu membaca tulisan ini, aku tidak akan menjelaskan apa-apa, aku akan membiarkan kamu berasumsi. Hingga pada akhirnya asumsi-asumsi itu akan memenuhi kepalamu, dan menyita waktu tidurmu… sama seperti yang terjadi padaku, nyaris setiap hari.





Depok, 23 February 2015
*inspired by my tweet last night




Friday, November 28, 2014

#1 Don't Ask Why

To the man standing in front of the door.



Hi there,

Don't worry, she's fine.
She still keeps those letters nicely, she wrapped them in a box, so she wont lose them. 
She still writes some, since you said you like what she's written, every piece of her writing has a bit of "you" in it.

Don't laugh if one day those letters end up landed on your desk and you find out that she has ridiculous imagination way weirder than you think.

Don't be angry when you find out that she thinks she doesn't actually like you, or want you. 

Don't be mad if some of those sentences show how she has a kind of random thought that secretly watching you sometimes can be a waste of her precious time.

Don't get sad if you know she actually shed tears, because of you.

She's a bit too busy lately, working on things here and there. Waking up early and going home late, doing stuffs people do when they grow up.

But don't worry, she keeps that little child alive inside of her. she still has that stupid grinning, she still sleeps wearing that Power Rangers t-shirt, and she still cries every time she watch a movie and there's a dying animal in it.

You know what? She's been trying to stop drinking coffee. She hates the fact that coffee reminds her of you, a lot. It's a hell of struggle, thank God she found a miracle called green tea.

The girl who was known to you as a coffee-addict, is now a fancy tea-drinker.

There are times that she's upset about you, who's no longer the same person she met years ago.. but she realizes that she's also no longer the same person you met years ago.

People changes.
Time changes.
Her favorite drink changes.
Even the main actor in Batman movies changes.

But, why doesn't her feeling for you?

She hasn't figured that out yet.

So, the next time you see her, please don't be as cruel as you were. 

Don't say harsh things to her.
Don't call her ugly like you did once.
Don't show that evil laugh in front of her.
Don't treat her like she has no feelings.

She gets hurt, just like everyone does.
Everything that has a heart gets hurt.. and feels pain.

Don't make her sad, because the only thing she could do is crying silently on her pillow... you won't notice a thing, since you always think she's strong and dependable. 


Because you won't be able to do a thing to redeem her sadness.

Because you won't catch her eyes the moment they glow in tears.

Because you won't be able to apologize for how many nights that feel too long for her because she cant get rid of you from her mind.

You won't understand how low she feels every time she notices that she has been not more than a clown for you, for the fact that she always sees you as a man.

There are memories that stay still, on those days that you might have forgotten, but it doesn't apply for her... for her, those days are kind of infinity. Infinity that consumes her slowly.

If one day she chooses to send the letters, or she decides to burn them off, don't ask why.

She thanks you for every little joy you have given for her..
Unimportant silly messages that are actually heartwarming for her.
The jokes you don't remember telling her.

She also thanks you for the pain.
The promise you made and you broke once, all on the same day.
The mean words you said to her, the words that got her broken and forced her to stand still.
The time she spent, thinking of you.

 So don't ask why.



Sincerely,

the girl who is behind the door.




pic source:
http://rebloggy.com/post/dog-snow-pretty-winter-cute-cold-black-and-white-sad-puppy-animal-bokeh-bw-sweet/60194408497